The weekend

On Friday, I called the vet with my decision about Sydney Sue.  We are not doing chemo, for a variety of reasons.  I will instead treat her with Prednisone, a steroid that will keep the lymphoma and it's symptoms at bay temporarily, anywhere from 2 - 6 months.  When she starts showing symptoms again, that will be the beginning of the end.  From what I have researched, there is about 30 days for the cancer to take over with no medication.  Right now, she is doing a lot of snuffling and reverse sneezing; given that, plus the nose bleed she had last week, I suspect the cancer is very much in the lymph tissue in her nose, and when it comes back in full force, that will be the sign.  The prednisone, for as long as it is effective, should make reduce the inflammation in her nose, so that will help. Her nose doesn't seem to hurt her, right now, as much as it annoys her.

I am researching cancer diets and supplementation to try to keep her as healthy and happy as long as possible.  I was so focused last week on trying to decide the best course of treatment for her, that it completely bypassed me that there were other things I could do to help keep her healthy.

It's amazing what a roller coaster this is. I cannot help but compare it to what it was like going through the accident and the aftermath.  I feel lucky now that I was in shock following the accident; that certainly made it easier in some regards to deal with the decisions that had to be made, and the waiting. The suddenness helped as well; Chris started out being critical, which was better than death; being in the coma was better than being critical; having a traumatic brain injury was better than being in a coma, and so on.  Each step was a marked improvement, and after the first 5 days, when she was obviously going to survive, every little improvement was a giant step to healing and getting released from the hospital and back to our lives.   The last part obviously didn't end up happening, but during the earlier weeks, I didn't know that was going to be the case.

With Sydney Sue, it is moving in reverse.  She is healthy now, after the initial episode of being very unwell.  But every little sign will be a sign that the end is getting nearer. I am constantly watching her, looking for new symptoms, marking her health, detail by detail. I am very consumed by this whole situation. I think about it constantly, even when I try to push it out of my mind. I feel like there is a thin blanket of grief and an inconsolable sadness over my life.  Every time I hug her, I think, "she is dying."  When I wrap my arms around her, I smell her fur, I kiss her spots, and I think that my time now to do so is limited.  It is so hard to see her playing, chasing the foster dog around, doing spins in the yard, and think that despite of her vibrance and apparent health, this won't last. I am feeling a lot of anxiety, because I'm not able to stop this, I don't know how exactly things will happen, I don't know what to expect. I am hoping, more than anything, that she does not suffer.  If I knew that things would just slowly go downhill, until it was time, then I  could make an appointment, help her pass on, I would feel better.  I am so afraid she will develop seizures, or will have moments of extreme disorientation and loss of movement, I am afraid I won't be strong enough to deal with this when the cards are down.

Last week, before this started, she was my senior girl, she was going to be 10, she was "old".  Now, I think 10 isn't so old, she should have several years left with me, 10 is too young to be dying.

I'm not bitter about the cancer, I'm not raging against the giant unknown that brought this on us.  Cancer, death, aging is all part of life; all we can do is accept it gracefully, live the best we can, protect ourselves as best we can, but to be peaceful and enjoy every last minute as best we can.  Maybe I will feel differently when the end gets nearer, I don't know. I do know that I don't want her last months and last days to be filled with a giant elephant of negative feelings in the room. I'd much rather have her feel love and peace, and have her know as much happiness as I can provide for her.

Which of course means she can do no wrong now. : )  She digs the giant crater to China in my front yard, I fill it back in. If she wants to hog the whole couch so no one else can sit on it, I let her.  If she wants to sleep in bed with me, on my legs, cutting off my circulation, I let her. I even *gasp* fed her from my dinner plate, from the table.

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My sister came to visit, she arrived Friday night.  We had a great time, we mostly ate and drank.  I had the chance to cook for her for the first time in a really long time; I made pico de gallo and guacamole to serve with chips for that first night, along with some bourekas and empanadas I had in the freezer.  On Saturday, I made my most favorite scallops with the red wine and butter sauce, rice with turmeric and saffron, and the very fabulous brussels sprouts with pecans and blue cheese.  For dessert, I tried a new recipe I had seen on Food Network. I cut a sheet of puff pastry dough into three rectangles, and then cut each rectangle in half, so that I had squares that were about 2" by 3".  I baked them until they were puffy and light golden brown, then I split each square into half horizontally. I whipped goat cheese with powdered sugar and vanilla and a pinch of salt; then in a separate bowl, I whipped whipping cream until it was thick. I carefully mixed the two together to make a mousse.  In yet another bowl, I heated raspberry preserves until they were liquidy, and then I mixed in fresh raspberries to coat them.  On dessert plates, I placed the bottom of a puff pastry square; fluffed on the goat cheese mousse, and topped it with the raspberries.  The top half of the puff pastry square went on top, and then I dusted it with powdered sugar, artfully set a few raspberries on the side as a garnish (ok, the first one slid off the mousse,  but I thought it looked cool : ) and it looked AWESOME.  They tasted great, too.  The mousse had the tang of the goat cheese, but was lightened up by the whipped cream, and the tartness was balanced by the rasperries with the preserves. It was a very fancy and light dessert.  I was very impressed that I got such a great dinner AND a dessert on the table with only two hours of kitchen time.  The timing of things is always the hard part, so it is really gratifying that I am getting better about coordinating everything and not burning anything.

I pulled the venison from my last trip to the butcher out of the freezer; I might braise it tomorrow with wine, or maybe even just roast it. I've not committed to it yet.  I really have my sites set on making ladyfingers; but I have a lot of homework due this week, so we will see what happens. : )